Tuesday, March 04, 2008

A step-by-step guide to changing twins at the ass-crack of dawn

Before you begin changing your 9-month-old, just-learned-to-crawl-twins (video coming), it's highly recommended you practice for a bit.
We recommend fishing out a bass with your bare hands and trying to put a sweater on it, learning how to scuba dive and wrestling with a squid or playing with a Slinky while you juggle a carton of eggs and jog up and down a flight of stairs.

1. Hear wife's lovely voice asking you to get up at 6 a.m. Try to ignore fact that wife's voice sounds like sandpaper being rubbed on a chalk board that early in the morning.
2. Walk into nursery and have gray clouds lifted from soul, at least a little, by big, wide smiles and babbling.
3. Remove twin from crib and place on carpet.
4. Instantly scoot over to catch twin before she crawls into the bathroom.
5. Pull now screaming twin back to you.
6. Put pacifier in twin's mouth.
7. Remove one piece of tape from diaper.
8. Flip twin back over.
9. Remove other piece of tape from diaper.
10. See something that looks like Bill Cosby stuck one of his Jello Pudding Pops inside diaper overnight.
11. Yell for wipes when you discover the bag is out.
12. Try to hold twin by leg while she squirms left and right and try to clean bottom with wipe.
13. Ignore protests from said twin, who prefers to be on the move ALL THE TIME.
14. Finish job, release twin from foothold and turn around to get diaper.
15. Scoot across carpet to catch twin. Drag her back, flip her over.
16. Move her to open diaper.
17. Move her again.
18. Again.
19. There you go. Put diaper on twin.
20. Ask wife to pick out outfits. Grunt when she asks if everything is OK.
21. Hold down protesting twin long enough to get pants on. Fight like hell to get her to stay put long enough to put on pants.
22. Remove twin's legs from one pant and start over.
23. Do it again. Fight like hell urge to toss twin out of second-story window.
24. Catch twin, flip her over and put pants on one leg at a time.
25. Give twin plastic crab.
26. Sit twin up and put on shirt. Make brrrrrrrr noise with mouth so twin doesn't panic when her face is covered for 30 seconds.
27. Give twin a smile. You're done!
28. Close bedroom door so twin doesn't escape.
29. Lift second twin out of crib.
30. Start over.


Stacie said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

kate said...

ROTFL! Now just wait until they insist that you do it while they are standing up...

mames said...

found you via joy of twins. haha, so glad to know i am not the only one wrestling 'em at every step. the real fun is once they start walking (like ours) then dressing requires chasing them across the room as they run even though they can't yet.

baby~amore' said...

hilarious and so true !

It is multiple birth awareness week in Australia .I have twin sons 20 months old ... and it doesn't change only they run away from you instead of crawl.
Plus using cloth nappies they undo them and toss them at you.

SB said...

Oh NO...when my twins arrive in August I am dead meat! Thanks for the step-by-step, I'll do my best :)


Madeline said...

I am a soon to be mother of Twins... I am now really freaked out on how i am gonna cope, i have a 4 year old a 2 year old and the new additions.