Sunday, April 26, 2009

Career change

Well, I've thought long and hard about this, and I think I need to make a career change.
That's right. I'm going to become the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft.
Maybe 2011. It might take me a little while to get into football shape.
I thought about the NBA, but those guys get set amounts based on where they're picked, and I gotta tell you, to me that makes NO sense at all. Why on earth would I take my skills to the NBA when I can make, what is it exactly that Matthew Stafford will earn? $41.7 million guaranteed? 
That's the ticket.
I would like to stay in newspapers, but as we all know, they're dying, apparently, and the taking economy isn't leaving me many other options as a writer. I did think about being a professional blogger, but the couple grand a year I made in ad money just won't quite cut it for raising three young kids, and that money's probably not coming back this year, thanks to said economy and the fact that Google has reduced my page ranking to somewhere below Michael Jackson's Q rating with parents of young boys because I took those ads in the first place.
But number-one draft pick? Man. Where else can I make so much coin for doing NOTHING? I mean, other than Rush Limbaugh, no one has a job that sweet.
Rock Star? No, they go on the road a lot, and I don't want my twins to write a tell-all in 20 years about how they slept with the Jonas Brothers because Daddy wasn't around. Plus they have to write music, practice and raise money for Africa.
Movie Star? They mostly live in trailers on movie sets. That's not glamorous enough for me.
Porn Star? It's tempting. But I don't look good in tube socks.
Nah, I think NFL draft pick is it for me.
Oh, sure, I'll have to study a playbook, learn some formations and such and maybe work out a little more than I already do (probably only a little more actually), but lately I'm trying to memorize good starting hands in Omaha and it can't be any more complicated than that.
I mean, look at Stafford. The Lions are paying him that kind of money in this recession, when Detroit just might be the hardest-hit area in a country taking some teeth-rattlers lately. He might be able to buy up all the houses in the city when he cashes his first paycheck. Pretty sweet.
I realize some of you naysayers out there might think the odds are against me. Hey, you might have a point. I realize the only time I ever spent on the football field was in marching band. But I was co-section leader both in high school and in college, so clearly, I know how to lead a group of me (and women) into battle. 
Besides, we all know I can run. Like, a lot. I'll just run if things get bad out there. That's what all those pricey running backs and wide receivers do. I don't know why everyone thinks Larry Fitzgerald is so tough. All he does is run away from those skinny cornerbacks and safeties.
Anyway, I have hope, as I should, because Stafford set the NFL record for most guaranteed money ever. And he hasn't even thrown a pass in a game. Well, neither have I, so we're pretty much even in talent, then.
So, yeah, I just need to run this half marathon this weekend, and then I need to get over this apparent calf injury that's nagging at me *.
Then I'm hitting the gym for good. After all, 2010 is only a year away.

*In all seriousness, it really does hurt, and I'm planning on taking the week off in the hopes that I can heal it in time for the biggest race of the year. Maybe running two half marathons in three weeks wasn't a good idea after all.


Short-Stacked Shamus said...

Not that it means anything, but I have declared myself eligible for the NBA draft every year for the last couple of decades. Nada.

Maybe get an agent or sumpin'?

Drizztdj said...

I was once an aspiring ball player, but something about weighting only 120 lbs in high school with a low-80s fastball wasn't quite enough.

I think I'll give Gardy a call and tell him I'm eligible to sign up for the Twins.