So now my seven-layer dip of emotions (mmmm, seven-layer dip) includes exhaustion, weariness, frustration.
I've now decided to top it off with doubt, guilt and black olives.
Wait. Scratch the black olives. That's my other seven-layer dip.
Kate said today that the twins were developing a bit of a flat spot in the back of their heads. That of course told me two things today.
One is they are spending too much time in their carriers. We put them there to help them with their acid reflux problem.
The second is they are being put down too much.
Both sparked feelings of guilt and doubt. And black olives.
The first made me think we are seperating them too much and that they will lose that bond that twins are supposed to develop, making life a tad bit easier later when they entertain each other all the time.
The second made me think we're not spending enough time with them.
I'm struggling with coming home from a long day at work and having to hit the ground running. I'm struggling with not getting enough rest. I'm quite frankly just plain burnt out from having to hold a baby all the time and never, ever, ever, it seems, getting a moment's peace, when they're both asleep and I can do whatever I want, even play poker without a baby on my lap.
Yet I also worry that I'm not doing enough. I don't talk to them enough, I don't play with them enough, and I don't spend enough time with Jayden either. He's still not really talking much, and he's 2. Yes, he can say many words, but he can't put them together, and I blame myself for that, given that I don't read to him much. I always have a baby to tend to, after all.
The babies are smiling now - and that helps A TON — and yet they don't smile a lot, and when they are awake and happy, like this morning, I needed to get ready for work and couldn't take advantage of it.
Divided loyalities weren't a problem with Jayden, but these days, I feel like a pie that's being divided and devoured, and yet, at the end, no one is satisfied.
P.S. Did anyone else catch ESPN's WSOP coverage last night? It's cool that the station is turning around matches so quickly, but in the beginning, the graphics were so crappy that half the hole cards were chopped from the screen. Then about a quarter of a way into it, they were suddenly fixed.
What, you had to turn it around so quickly that you couldn't fix your graphics?