Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Am I doing enough?

So now my seven-layer dip of emotions (mmmm, seven-layer dip) includes exhaustion, weariness, frustration.
I've now decided to top it off with doubt, guilt and black olives.
Wait. Scratch the black olives. That's my other seven-layer dip.
Kate said today that the twins were developing a bit of a flat spot in the back of their heads. That of course told me two things today.
One is they are spending too much time in their carriers. We put them there to help them with their acid reflux problem.
The second is they are being put down too much.
Both sparked feelings of guilt and doubt. And black olives.
The first made me think we are seperating them too much and that they will lose that bond that twins are supposed to develop, making life a tad bit easier later when they entertain each other all the time.
The second made me think we're not spending enough time with them.
I'm struggling with coming home from a long day at work and having to hit the ground running. I'm struggling with not getting enough rest. I'm quite frankly just plain burnt out from having to hold a baby all the time and never, ever, ever, it seems, getting a moment's peace, when they're both asleep and I can do whatever I want, even play poker without a baby on my lap.
Yet I also worry that I'm not doing enough. I don't talk to them enough, I don't play with them enough, and I don't spend enough time with Jayden either. He's still not really talking much, and he's 2. Yes, he can say many words, but he can't put them together, and I blame myself for that, given that I don't read to him much. I always have a baby to tend to, after all.
The babies are smiling now - and that helps A TON — and yet they don't smile a lot, and when they are awake and happy, like this morning, I needed to get ready for work and couldn't take advantage of it.
Divided loyalities weren't a problem with Jayden, but these days, I feel like a pie that's being divided and devoured, and yet, at the end, no one is satisfied.

P.S. Did anyone else catch ESPN's WSOP coverage last night? It's cool that the station is turning around matches so quickly, but in the beginning, the graphics were so crappy that half the hole cards were chopped from the screen. Then about a quarter of a way into it, they were suddenly fixed.
What, you had to turn it around so quickly that you couldn't fix your graphics?


Sandi said...

I imagine that my husband feels much like you do. We only have the twins so I can only imagine what it is like with having a two year old to add to the mix as well.

I have nothing to offer other than commiseration. I keep hearing that it gets easier.

Stacie said...

Well, no, you aren't doing enough. But you COULDN'T do enough. There is always more that needs doing.

Have you tried carrying them around in a Bjorn (or other carrier)? It will keep them from putting weight on their heads, usually keep them happy, and your hands are free to, say, play poker.

pokerpeaker said...

I forgot about the Bjorn. That's a good idea.

Gydyon said...

I am having the same struggles. I feel burnt out from juggling work and kids, and need the occasional break, but my wife has to soldier on which results in guilt.

By the way, the ESPN thing was them sending the HD-format signal to the regular channel. They noticed and fixed it at the first commercial break.

Claudia said...

The first months with twins the breaks come few and far between. It'll get better, you'll have more opportunities to trade off babycare as they age and get a tad easier to handle. My mantra during those early months: this is only a short time in their lives.

Hang in there, you truly are doing a great job, I promise.

Krissy said...

I constantly feel like I am not doing enough...when Jonathan is crying, Faith doesn't get attention, etc. I also am struggling to maintain all my family ties and friendships. Oh yeah, and I am snippy with my husband because I am tired, and I am the mom, and I am sometimes jealous that he gets to go to a high stress job (but at least there is no crying or spit up there, and he gets a lunch hour!) Our kids will be 2 months on Sunday, and it is getting easier in some ways. I have even managed to read them a few books. One dark chocolate bar a day is my reward, and it helps! By the way, I am gydyon's wife, and he is doing a great job! I am sure you are too.