Meh

Last night I managed to not really cripple myself but tear a chunk out of me anyway, sort of like when you step on a nail, in the Mookie last night.
I was also playing the Dookie and was considering a hand when Full Tilt buzzed me. I had just won a big hand with J-J and had 7,000 chips, which left me in the top 20, maybe even the top 15, I believe. I had played well the whole tournament, stealing, making good contination bets (for once) and getting a couple nice hands.
At the buzz, I clicked on the call button, and found that I had just called off a raise and a re-raise with Q,4os.
Awesome.
The flop brought me a queen and two nines, but TripJax bet large, and while I considered shoving, given that it was TripJax and he had a huge amount of chips and was capable of making a move on both those factors, I still folded because I did not think he would re-raise with nothing. It turns out he told me had me beat but just barely.
In the past such a moronic, stupid mistake would tilt me.
But I didn't even care.
Poker's been like that lately.
As Vegas approaches, I find myself caring less about poker every day, for the first time in at least three years.
The Mookie was the first time I played all week, and I'll skip Riverchasers tonight. As excited as the BBT2 is, my family life and work schedule doesn't allow me to play all the events. In fact, I can only play one a week , and I'm lucky if I make that. That leaves me at a serious disadvantage. So I hope they continue to host these contests, as they are really fucking cool, but I really can't take part in them fully just yet. Maybe in a couple of years.
Occasionally I get in these life funks, and usually I just tell myself to quit being a pussy and shake them, but a few times a year I really can't, and this is one of those times.
There's no reason for it. Work is still good, family life is fine, and after a brief hiatus to get my balls whacked, I'm running strong in time for the Turkey Trot 5K Thanksgiving race.
Ah, maybe that's it. I have post mortem depression.
I do think part of it is the twins have forced me into biorhythms that aren't really me. I would love to stay up until midnight every night and wake up at 7:15 or so, but instead I'm going to bed at 11 p.m., vaguely unsatisfied, and waking up at 6 a.m., sprinkled with wakings at 2 a.m., 3 a.m., etc. It's all catching up to me.
I don't know if poker itself is why I don't want to play or if it's this bluesy feeling I can't shake. I plan on dinking around in a cash game tonight and quitting when I don't want to play anymore, which might be right away. Maybe I need to hit up Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (yes, an old game, but one I've just discovered) and go kill a few innocents.
At least then they can't outdraw my set.


P.S. Congrats go out to Scott for his news on the twins. Welcome to the club. It's not something I would wish on anyone, but it's also been the greatest experience of my life.

Three reasons for a follow-up

I feel better after a hard couple days at work, but I'm still a little funky, and not the Prince/Sly and the Family Stone/Earth, Wind and Fire/Stevie Wonder/Jamiroquai kind of funk we've grown to love.
Maybe I just need to get back into a routine, but I think there are three reasons why I'm not exactly bopping along life's highway right now.

#1 - I miss my old life.
OK, I admit it.
Having a child is maybe the greatest thing that's happened to me. I say maybe because that's such a cliched thing to say - Hallmark Cards practically has a patent on it - and yet in many ways it's true.
But the birth of another child has made me realize that I do love my time to myself. I love to watch movies, play video games, play poker, read and blog. I don't like making choices, and in the past, I didn't have to. Now I do, and not only that, I would love to head to the casino more and play poker more and see a damn movie in the theaters with my wife every once in a while.
Kansas City, when we had access to a free babysitters, made me realize that.
And now I guess I'm a little worried that with two, all that will go away for good, at least for a while.
I feel guilty for feeling that way, too, which only adds to it.

#2 - Whoever wrote about the summertime blues was nuts.
In the summer you've got places to run, mountains to climb, girls to gawk at, places to swim and dogs to walk. In the winter you've got a land encased in ice, snow, cold, and it's dark by 4:30 p.m.
I love snow as much as the next person, and this winter, in many ways, has been fun, but I'm a little tired of it, and the realization that we've got at least a couple more months of this shit hasn't helped.

#3 - This third reason is a little complicated and rather stupid.
But I'm a little jealous of y'all.
Every day I've been reading posts about how you crushed this SnG or how you won $400 over the weekend or how you placed first or second in a 180-person tournament, and I'm over here still playing .25/.50 NL after an unsuccessful move to .50/$1 NL and having the hardest time making a fucking final table to a 45-person SnG. Yes, I've suffered several suckouts in those, but that's not the only reason I haven't made it. I'm feeling very small in the poker world right now.
I know how stupid it is to feel that way. I don't have the talent of a Fuel, the aggression of a Lucko or the pure blind courage of a Smokee, and I should be OK with that. I'm not Iakaris. I'm not even TripJax. I am not Jordan, even if he just wrote about his bad losing streak over the weekend. I suppose I'm not even Change 100, even though she honestly documents her own struggles, she seems to be a damn good tournament player.
I'm happy with what I've accomplished so far. I'm up more than $3,000 since last year playing low limits for my first year of real money poker. I've improved more over the last month and added several aggressive moves to my game. But I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I wonder how long it takes to start dominating limits that would either bore you all to tears or make you chuckle as you laughed at the simplicity of the game and demanded the finest meats and cheeses.
And now many of you are getting paid to blog. Deservedly so. I haven't put enough into this to even dream about that. But, wow, that's really cool.
This hasn't affected my play, as far as I know, given that I'm up again so far this month.
I'll work my way through it.
I hope the sun comes out and melts all this snow, and my blues, away.