Sunday, August 02, 2009

Steeped in pee and poo

Every time I walk by the plastic potty, it needs to be emptied.
I was on the throne myself - the one free of plastic and Elmo's face - when Allie walked in and told me she had to potty. Then, two seconds later, she demanded it. So, yep, had to, um, rush my pooing and get her on the potty. That's just one thing I do not like to rush.
This is my life these days. My girls have a potty mouth. They not only talk about the potty all the time, they use it with the kind of frequency reserved for men with prostate issues on their 12th Keystone Light. 
This may sound like complaining. It is not complaining. Four years of my life have been consumed by diapers, feces, wipes, old pee smell and urine-soaked sheets. I figured it would be at least another year. 
Yet the girls are naturals, nay geniuses (and I do not throw that term around too often) at potty training. They just turned 2, yet Andie, after just a couple weeks, is an accident-free little girl. She pees and poos whenever, wherever, as long as it's in a toilet. I could kiss her. In fact I have. Many times. And doled out Skittles. Allie isn't quite as good. She pees like a champion but hasn't quite made the connection that poo, indeed, goes in the potty as well. This has led to a few, um, uncomfortable moments, like at a park, when Allie seems to crap her pants every.single.time. we go. But I'm a proud father.
It's just that when you are potty training, even if you are doing it well, your personal connection with poo and pee doesn't lighten up. In fact, it gets worse. I have emptied that plastic potty at least ten times a day, and yes, it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds. When I'm not emptying, I'm pulling down panties and placing a little bottom on a big potty with the squishy tushy firmly in place, then acting like she just crapped a golden egg when it's over (positive feedback is important).
Even Jayden, the 4-year-old, makes us look at his poo before he flushes. Not that I blame him for wanting a little affirmation himself.
It's turned into a slight obsession. I've said "Do you need to potty" to one of the three at least 40 times a day, and usually, why yes, one of them does in fact need to go. I've spent so much time worrying about my kids' pottying that I've started to take more notice of my own. 
Just today, in fact, I told Kate that I had TWO significant poops before 11 a.m., one before my 10-mile run and one after. Strangely enough, she didn't seem quite as excited as she obviously is when one of the girls does the same thing. 
Sometimes life isn't fair.



DrChako said...

Awesome. I'm so glad we're beyond that. Well, we're still not beyond the, "Do you have to go?" stage, but the diapers are long gone.

My favorite question: "Did that come out of me?!"

Yes, son. Yes it did. Well done.


lightning36 said...

I remember a day several years ago. My wife was gone and I was left at home with three kids. I was changing the diaper of the youngest, Erin. As soon as I put the new diaper on, she immediately peed in it, smiling the whole time. Meanwhile, just a few feet away, my oldest, Heather, was sitting in bed with her hand over her mouth saying "Dad -- I'm gonna throw up." Not to be outdone, my son, Rick, who was just being potty trained, was sitting on the toilet yelling "Daddy -- wipe me!" I kept thinking back to those days of the Old Milwaukee beer commercials -- where the guys would be out fishing and one guy would say "It doesn't get any better than this." Indeed. I figured if I lived through that day I could make it through anything.

I also remember the day I changed my last diaper. All three kids were now potty trained. I looked at my poor hands that had been abused for years with baby powder, diaper rash creme and poop. I thought "Thank goodness, my hands may actually return to normal. Within a few week the constant smell on my hands went away.

And life was good ...

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Drizztdj said...

Six long years of potty training, and the girl is almost there.

I think I'll throw a kegger if she manages a whole week of going by herself.

pokerpeaker said...

Drizz, I think I will join you.

OhCaptain said...

I don't miss this at all. Our first was potty trained by 20 months (yes, I know amazing that is...) the second we had high hopes for a repeat. She was almost 3 before she go the hang of it. Sigh.

You're almost there, hang in there, they'll be grown before you know it.